Trip Reports #4 & #5

Trip 4
100 mg theanine
2.3 gm psilocybe cubensis
nitrous oxide
alpha eeg biofeedback at T3 & T4

Trip 4 was a replication of the dosage of trip #1 and to try and gauge the effect, if any, of theanine in the light of my experience with higher dosages. And then adding nitrous oxide to that.

Nitrous oxide is a pretty big deal by itself. With cannabis, it becomes a bigger deal. With a psychedelic, yeah, that is indeed quite something. There were "flattening" experiences that tore the dimensions from 3 down to 2, and then ... what's to say. Beyond description.

I thought I was dying a couple of times. That might sound really horrible, but it wasn't. I was feeling good, and consciousness or reality was just kind of evaporating. I was in a space where I didn't really know, for example, whether or not I had, say, poisoned myself. I knew that there was a drug involved, basically, and then again I knew enough to know that maybe I shouldn't trust my f-d up mind. There was concern, but some reason to doubt that concern. It was an exquisite place really, and there was also a sense that if this was the end, so be it, this is it, nothing I can do at this point - so surrender, and go into ... whatever. And then ... so refreshing to be coming back to reality, realizing you are completely safe and well, and just breaking into laughter at the ego's little attachments about itself.

Hearing was cutting in and out. As consciousness, or whatever you would call it, evaporated, often all sound would cut out. As "it" returned, sound would cut in, and sometimes go away again. In everyday life on rare occasions I experience that while I am falling asleep or waking up.

Trip 5
300 mg theanine
6.2 gm psilocybe cubensis
nitrous oxide
alpha eeg biofeedback at Fz & Pz

Trip 5 boosted the dosage to new heights, beyond the 5 gram "heroic dose." Not really sure the theanine has an effect. Theoretically it is listed as an MAO inhibitor, which should inhibit the metabolism of the psilocybin and thus intensify the trip, but I'm thinking it must be a pretty mild MAO. At any rate, Theanine is of interest as it seems to help boost alpha waves. It might help keep things more relaxed and open.

For this trip, after my "near-death" experiences of the last trip, I spent some prep time getting it into my head that I was both safe and immortal for the purposes of this particular journey. And it seemed to work, I had no concerns or fear of death, but then again I think just the fact that I had already lived through it and came out okay is pretty well ground in me now.

So. About that ol' Trip 5.

Yeah.

I mean, there is this tendency to put things like this on a pedestal, but it was what it was. It's hard to explain how important that is, "it was what it was," that perspective. It's easy to miss the oblique reference to something beyond games or interpretation. This was not a blissfest, but there was bliss involved, and stress, the stress on the body. In the last post about massive doses of LSD the first guy says he was "all." That's a good description. Another would be the great Robert Hunter lyric, "wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world." Yep. Absolutely.

To be no different than existence itself, and to see it all play out, is quite something. Such a sense of wonder.

... that there is even a sense of wonder ...
that there are civilizations ... and odes to love and experience, all the joys and sorrows, all the different flavors.

to even have friends or "enemies"

to be beyond

When I start thinking about ego-death, sure, I don't even know, sure, maybe. Must be, right? When words are gone, when all that there is just is, and all the little games are gone and all is ... all. I mean, to even have an ego, right?

It's not even that it was that "great." It simply was. It's really nice to see it all from beyond the world of games.

After, I cried for a long, long time. I don't even know why.

I love all of you.